Clusterfug

Jim and I headed to Shreveport (30 minute drive) yesterday morning in different vehicles to do Christmas shopping. Well actually, we started out in the same vehicle but when I realized he wanted to "check" a few things around Mansfield first, I bailed on him and took my truck. We would meet up later (the later part being part of the clusterfug). Did I mention I passed Noah's Ark on I-49 on the way to Shreveport? Yes, it was raining rather hard.


I hit Academy Sports first and it was packed but had an air of organized chaos. Out of the many presents I purchased there, I needed to get a pocket knife for Jim. He loses them constantly. No, he's not Daniel Boone flinging his knives into the chests of wild indians. He just lays them down and walks away. The problem is the knives are held hostage by the guns and rifles in Academy Sports. Many macho men hang out in that department and discuss killing four legged animals. I ABHOR hand guns. I waited around about twenty minutes before I had to interrupt a salesman and his customer from their love affair with a 9mm glock. He actually said, "Oh, lady do you need some help?" "Just point me in the right direction," I replied. That's just what he did and returned to his love fest with the glock.


Next stop, JC Penney. Does that not scream BORING middle class? I had ordered some brown Hagar slacks for Jim online and he thought he could order a size smaller than he was because the slacks had an "expandable waistband." Ha, ha, ha, ha....silly man. So we were supposed to meet up in the Men's suits section around 12:45 in JC Penney. I had a brain freeze and got there on time knowing full well that Mr. Turtle would not be along for another 30 minutes or so. I just sat and waited. On Saturdays in December, JC Penney has something called "Door Buster" days. We did not know that then but we know now. Everybody and their brother were in the store Saturday. OMG, the parking lot was like an ant farm of cars. CLUSTERFUG. This is the type of event where you feel like slapping people just to get them out of your way. Even kids, we both wanted to get in their faces and scream BOO! Just to see them cry and run away. Are we old people or what?


OK, calm down, go to T.G.I. Friday's for lunch. It's almost 2:00 so we figure most of the lunch crowd is finished. Well, they were but we got the waitress from hell. She was pregnant and her belly almost fit perfectly in Jim's lap (not that there's anything wrong with being pregnant). She evidently had forsaken her four table station for the relative peace of the kitchen. It literally took us an hour to get our food. All four tables were speculating on whether she was napping or having the baby. Needless to say, I don't think she made a lot of tips that shift.


So okay, gluttons for punishment, WE WENT TO SAM'S. Sure why not? No less than two women tripped me back in the meat section. Of course that was after I threw my body in the frozen counter over all the frozen shrimp. What does this say about us when the biggest item in our cart leaving Sam's was a 98 pack of toilet paper?

Ruffinism for the day: People will buy anything that is one to a customer. - Sinclair Lewis

I Was Going For Tacky, Gaudy

Well, I fall so short of "The Red Door" and "Splash"...Christmas stores in Shreveport that epitomize tasteful elegance in Christmas decorating. I threw all the ornaments that didn't go on the tree up on the mantel. And I feel certain that Catalina, my cleaning goddess, will immediately rearrange everything tomorrow. Hell, she may invite Curtis, the yard man, in to help her.

I walked down to Cousin Jean's tonight to see her decorations. Her mantel was more elegant than the Southern Living December edition of the natural Christmas. Yet I, me, the hostess of more is happier? Take a look

Jim kept saying this afternoon and yesterday, "Where is the color?" I told him the day that he helped me decorate and take the tree down was when he could pick colors (OMG - red and green...how fabulous!)

For the first year of my life, my tree is FAKE...yes 100% guaranteed not to drop needles all over the place and especially on January 2, 2010, when death row is inevitibe. Guaranteed not to be contributed to the burn pile out between the pines and the cypress trees. Guaranteed not to piss off the tree huggers. And most definitely guaranteed to smell (with the assistance of my $61.00 Frazier Fir diffuser - absolute thievery) very rustic...

Now, bring me some presents Santa. Don't make me shop at the Providence House donation bin - head first.

Ruffinism for the day: The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin...Jay Leno