Isn't it rich?

Oh gee, those are the lyrics that remind me of Mr. G, my boss...he is truly one of the richest people I have ever known...as in money rich, as in filthy rich.  I have never known someone before who can just breathe and money comes his way.  Let me introduce you:

Dear Blogger meet Mr. G - I apologize ahead of time, I have to tell you this short story:

So now you know I'm not going to give you his financial sheet or anything.  He is an attorney and tree farmer.  He is one of the smartest people I've met.  He is to the oil and gas industry what Einstein was to relativity.

I've worked for him for almost nine years as his paralegal and he truly amazes me everyday.  He owns thousands of acres of land and much, much more mineral acres.  I'm sure you have heard of the Haynesville Shale (or maybe not) in Louisiana.  It's the greatest gas find in the continental United States in a long time.  The last two years have been hectic and I won't bore you with the millions and millions he's made (mind you, not me, and he's very frugal when it comes to the trickle down economics theory that Mr. Reagan embraced.)

However, Mr. G has always said that if more people in De Soto Parish let him negotiate for them instead of being cheap and trying to negotiate on their own (hello pot, hello kettle), they would end up with so much more bang for their land.

Case in point...I have to tell you about this because it just cracks me up.  He negotiated an Oil, Gas and Mineral lease with a certain oil company on a small portion of his tree farm a year or so ago, which netted him a lot of bonus money up front and tons of money in royalties on the backside.  Not to mention this particular oil company has paid him much money for well locations and timber damages on his property.  GET TO THE POINT DUDE.

Ok.  So my favorite landman for this oil company visits us the other day and wants to negotiate a deal for water for a new well also located on Mr. G's property.  This oil company dug a pit next to the original well that was successful.  THEY DUG THE  PIT.  And in the interim between finishing the old well and staking the new well...GOD FILLED THE PIT WITH RAINWATER...But because it is Mr. G's property and BECAUSE HE PUT CERTAIN CLAUSES IN HIS ORIGINAL OIL, GAS AND MINERAL LEASE, this oil company was forced to negotiate and proposed to pay him $7,000 for the water in the pit THAT THEY DUG and GOD let it rain in on Mr. G's property.  Manna from heaven, yes? 

No.  Mr. G went home early and told me to tell them it was $10,000 or nothing FOR THE WATER THAT GOD PUT IN THE PIT THAT THEY DUG!!!!!

And you know what folks?  The check will be here next Monday.

Ruffinism for the day:  You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.  I'm off Maundy Thursday and Good Friday.  Thank you Mr. G.

El Patio (Behind my house, not the restaurant)

I promised patio results and by god I'm delivering those results.  Have you seen such backyard appeal?  Southern Living ready, yes?

Okay, more specifically and only because I couldn't get the photo dark enough, I failed...but I have seven outfits ironed and have cleaned the house for Catalina, the maid tomorrow:

And this perhaps?

Ok, so I had some other issues going this weekend.  The dog threw up. 

And then Friday afternoon I decided to pull the 8 year-old riding lawn mower out for it's maiden 2010 voyage.  The launching of the ship.  Put new gasoline in it.  Charged the battery (yes I can actually do a few mechanical things - omen here folks).  Checked the oil, and it "checked out."  It's been six months since I've been on it.  And dude, Jim Ruffin does not do mechanical so I AM THE MOWER.  The little "choke thing" on the dashboard goes from turtle to rabbit.  Now I can understand that even.  We (editorial) started on turtle and slowly worked the engine's way up to rabbit.  Two or three backfires later (or sidefires on my mower as you would have it) and we're off. 

Now, the front yard does not grow fast so at the beginning of the season, it's like a complimentary mow.  I give it a top off to make it happy.  The sides and the back grow all of my trash grass that I like to keep high:  dandelions, clover, wild flowers, etc., so the real need is there. 

I mowed the entire front yard with the mower deck on SIX.  Now for you inexperienced yard keepers, that's the level at which you would need to thresh wheat.  And it never occurred to me that the mower deck was high.  I kept saying to myself, "Boy, I need to get the blades sharpened on this thing."  By the time I got to the North side yard I figured out where I'd gone wrong and put the mower deck down to THREE, but the look on Mrs. Bickham's (my neighbor) face when I decided to mow the front yard again was priceless.  She's always thought I was a conscientious girl.

Ruffinism for the day:  Somebody stop by Home Depot and get me some lantana...thank you.

We're Having a Heat Wave

I know I'm bitching wayyyyyy toooooo much about the cold for a person who lives in the South. I have to give it you folks up North. You're a hearty bunch. I lived in Colorado for two years and actually experienced subzero weather and may have even blogged about walking out onto my balcony in 18 degrees below zero weather (in my twenties) and having my nostrils stick together...as in my boogers froze my nose shut. I just can't take it anymore.

I have osteoarthritis on one side of my family and rheumatoid arthritis on the other. And since I'm insecure and accommodating, I have decided to take both of those ailments on. Even my thumb joints hurt. Some of my fingers are disfigured. Oh crap, SHUT UP DUDE!

My patio gets my attention this weekend...cleaning out pots and trimming my patio trees. This is the year of lantana. I've come to realize that it will overtake anything, bloom all summer, you CAN'T kill it. And to compliment it I have decided on basil, parsley, thyme and rosemary. And you know if I could do those upside down tomatoes I would hang them from the OK corral fixture at the end of the patio.

So, here's the deal...hold your breath until the end of the weekend. If I post pictures of the patio, you'll know I accomplished something. If not, you'll know I spent the weekend watching movies. Any bets?

Hint: The $300+ steam cleaner I bought in January to clean all of my carpets is still in its box in the utility room.

Ruffinism for the day: My favorite day of the week? Someday

Eastah snap

Oh yeah we had that Eastah snap...at Rayburn last weekend. No pictures, no accidents, minor incidents. We're on the peninsula in a 'pull through' and thankfully not out in a 'back in' on the point, but THE BLASTING GALE FORCE WINDS that began Saturday and knocked out our Direct TV satellite, was just a hint of things to come. Not to worry, I have movies! State of Play, Amelia, Julie and Julia, Gosford Park - as you can see we don't get to the movies regularly. Not often in my life, and especially in my overweight life has wind gotten the better of me. Dude, Saturday afternoon and evening rivaled a Boeing wind tunnel at full speed. Does the book "Wuthering Heights" come to mind? Heathcliff?

This is how challenging it was: the propane ran out about 2:00 a.m. in the morning, thus the heater said "eff you." And Susan, why didn't you check the tanks before we left? That's okay, we always keep the subzero sleeping bags in the upper bins in the living room of the RV. We used both of them to cover the bedspread. 2:30 a.m. HELLO NORMAN WHAT IS YOUR 85 POUND ASS DOING UP HERE WITH US?! Well sure, add to the heat.

The RV was rocking and rolling all night long. All we needed to add was Sally's YES! YES! YES! or perhaps Harry's, "Are you finished now?"

And we wake up in the morning to snow showers, more blustery winds and even colder weather. This is MARCH/MARSH God and we're in East Texas, what in heavens name are you up to? You don't have to prove to everyone that Al Gore is a nut, we all know it! The lake no longer has white caps, surfers from Hawaii have come to partake in the 400 foot waves.

7:00 a.m. - Jim walks Norman. 7:30 a.m. Norman scratches the back door on the truck to get in. 7:35 a.m. Norman is in the truck until we leave. We readied the RV inside and then ventured out to secure the RV for the ride home. I was ten minutes out in the weather with Jim's gloves because I forgot mine, and then guess who became my best friend until we left at 11:30 a.m? Norman, of course, pussies that we are.

And as we pulled in at 3:00 p.m to home, surprisingly it was snow showers and extremely cold weather. I let Mr. Ruffin unload and I put things up inside and started the wash. Yes, 28 years feels good, we wear it well.

Ruffinism for the day: “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson

Calling Baton Rouge

Calling Baton Rouge

Bad Luck in 3s

Jim's luck just seems to get worse these days. After the industrial sewage accident and the "dropping the rv on the back of the truck" incident, we decided to stay home last weekend. Clif, Megan and Beagle came in and it was super to see them.

Jim got a new city truck and he and Clif spent most of the weekend looking at it, discussing it, examining under the hood or driving it. (Don't jump to conclusions now.) Saturday afternoon they headed to the maintenance barn to see if Jim's toolbox on his old truck would fit the new one (I can see you thinking ahead and predicting but I'm telling you, you won't see it coming.) Once they decided it would probably fit, Jim drove around to check on a few things.

Now, we love Mr. Ruffin but if you're ever going anywhere in a hurry, DON'T choose him for your ride. He always has to check a few things: a break in the street, a tree down, a Cleco light out, a street repair, a dead cat. Just kidding on the cat. Well, on their way back Saturday evening, Jim stopped on Crosby Street to fill a pothole. He is your "hands on" public works supt.
And he runs a risk anytime he's out of some crazed housewife or some good ol' boy flagging him down (and "flagging" is the operative word here) and wanting to add one more thing to his list, a new driveway culvert, a tree removal, a dead cat (just kidding).

So he was not surprised when a man walking down the street started to flag him raising his hand in the air. Being not in the mood on a Saturday evening, Jim just abandoned what he was doing, got in his truck and drove off leaving the man with raised hand. (Here we go, can you guess?)

He and Clif get home in time to light the pit for "Steak Night" and guess who can't find his GLASSES? They are forever falling out of his shirt pocket when he bends over. And guess who was probably trying to ask Mr. Ruffin if the glasses he found on the ground were Mr. Ruffin's? Jim asked me if I thought the guy might turn them into the lost and found at the post office...I said, "Dude, if it were me I would have thrown them on top of the post office and let you find them. Mr. Ruffin with his glasses at a happier? time.

Quote for the day: Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

WHOMPF!

That's the sound of a 5th wheel trailer falling onto the rails of a 2008 GMC Sierra Truck...not connecting, mind you, to the fifth wheel connection in the bed of the truck, but actually caving in the back rails. Mr. Ruffin decided to hook up while I was in the bathhouse yesterday afternoon in the rec area at Lake Sam Rayburn without me. However, he forgot one tiny thing, as in springing the capture mechanism before he backed up. He ended up pushing the fifth wheel off its blocks and therefore RRRRRRIIIIPPPPPPING my truck up. He's lucky he did not knock a hole in the fifth wheel.

I was walking back from the bathhouse. I WAS GOBSMACKED! My mouth dropped all the way to the ground. People watched from miles away:




Even Norman knew something was amiss.

This is an after darkness picture that I snuck out and took when we got home...

because there was SILENCE all the way home. And one day this will be a laughing memory because no one was killed or injured in the making of this disaster. He actually sat in the cab, looked at me and asked, "What did I do?"

That statement is only topped by last week's industrial sewage incident wherein he was screaming, "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!!" with pee-pee spilling all over his hands.

Lord, I know you're preparing me for winning the lottery by sending these trials and tribulations my way first...right?

Quick Update...take a chance on listening to Hayes Carll, he was on Imus Monday morning and although his voice is raspy and offkey, listen to the tune and the words...he's sooooo good...Texas style.

DEQ and EPA Alert

Yes, I'll admit there was a sewage incident last weekend at Rayburn. Only because I called in and reported the culprit. Now, every rec area in Louisiana has individual sewage hookups wherein you can dump sewage "as you need." However, in Texas, many rec areas require holding wastewater and sewage in your "holding tanks" and then dumping them at the end of the weekend or, if you are staying longer, deposit in the blue tank with wheels. We'll not go the blue tank route. Usually, staying the weekend allows us to dump tanks on Sunday.


Stay with me, perhaps you'll enjoy our marriage. Fast forward to last Sunday. THIS IS A JIM JOB. ALWAYS AND FOREVER. Make no mistake, I don't do sewage but assist in many ways. I can hold the hose that rinses off ...'things". CUT TO THE CHASE SUSAN. ick.


Last weekend as we were driving out of Rayburn Park, the last thing we always do is dump the tanks. I always direct Mr. Ruffin in lining up the RV dump valve with the "hole in the ground." Then Mr. Ruffin pulls the sewer hose from it's resting place inside the bumper and hooks it up to the RV discharge valve and shoots the other end into the "dump station hole". No problem...until last weekend.


What you don't know is that Mr. Ruffin is all claws and no finesse. He readily admits it...hell I cuss like a sailor. We all fall short. But this is the first time in two years that we have had a wastewater accident.


WAIT...TIME OUT. We always use the bath house for "important business"...let me be specific dude. We only use the bathroom in the RV for minor business.


Jim opened the sewage tank to let it dump first. "Hey, Susan it doesn't sound like we have much of anything in the sewage tank." Susan said, "Are you sure hon, I peed a couple of times."


"Let me jiggle the hose...OH MY GOD...THE HOSE CAME OFF...WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!


"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!"


"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!"

Norman was in the back of the truck listening to his master scream. I was...so sorry...laughing my ass off on the ground, er...roadway far from any spillage. And get this...Mr. Ruffin had the audacity to say he felt my pee hitting his hands more than his pee!

Dude! I'm in the truck....wake me up when we get home...you win.