What a Schmuck...

Dear Constiuents:

As an alderman in our fair city, I felt it my duty to inform you of a new procedure I have established at City Hall (all on my own) regarding water bills.  Now you folks know you have TWO (2) months to pay a water bill before the city even sends you a cutoff notice.  Two months, yes, to pay on average a $30.00 water/sewer/garbage bill unless you leave your toilet running (of which many of you do) or if you have a leak under your house but choose not to fix it, well because, you can't see it and pretend it's not there.

Well this is what we're going to do now when you come home and find your water cut off (by the city) after having two months to pay it.  Instead of giving out my brother-in-law's UNLISTED (for this very reason) phone number, who is the superintindent of public works, like I did last night to a sweet young thing knowing full well that all bills are handled through the office during regular office hours and that my brother-in-law has no authority (nor do I for that fact) to turn her water back on and then SHE DROVE OVER TO HIS HOUSE AND PLEADED HER CASE (we know she'd never lie) IN HIS DRIVEWAY UNTIL HIS CRAZY WIFE CAME OUT SCREAMING ABOUT HIS BLOOD PRESSURE GOING THROUGH THE ROOF, well folks, this is what we're going to do:

PLEASE, PLEASE feel free to call me at my house (318) 872-XXXX or my cell phone (318) XXX-XXXX any time of the day or night.  As a matter of fact, here's my wife Ginger's cell phone too (318) XXX-XXXX and my childrens' phone and cell numbers (318) XXX-XXXX (318) XXX-XXXX (318) XXX-XXXX (318) XXX-XXXX (318) XXX-XXXX (318) XXX-XXXX.  That way I can talk to you directly and get your concerns and then perhaps give you the mayor's numbers because he might want to go out every night and turn water back on for thieving delinquent constituents such as yourself.  If I can be of further assistance, please, please call me...we'll be in touch.

Most Sincerely,

Your Alderman
Guy Bridges Hall, The Depraved, The Jerk, The Schmuck, The Third

Road Rage Mansfield Style

Did I tell you about the time I was heading to work (2 miles/3 minutes) and was held up by the old man going 10 mph on the Oxford Road?  I had to park my car and run along side of his truck to scream at him to get off the fu....g road.  WHO TEACHES THESE PEOPLE TO DRIVE?  Bobby Boyd, that's who.  He was the driver's ed teacher for years and years in this town...and his students ARE EVERYWHERE DAMMIT!  The bobbing heads, the folks who look left and then right and then left and then right and then left and then right to make a frigging RIGHT turn!!  And can I have an AMEN for the folks who don't test my patience by pulling in my path when I'm in a hurry. 

Hurray for you Mr. Pickup Truck with trash overflowing from your bed on your way to South Mansfield for not pulling in front of me on my way to my very important job....of filing and paying bills for a rich man.  Accolades to the old woman, who should not be allowed out until after the working people get to their very important jobs, for picking up her prescription from the pharmacy at 10:30 in the morning.

Sweet Jesus, I love that the Haynesville Shale has come to De Soto Parish but the goddamned water trucks, the lowboys, along with the usual log trucks and chip trucks are more than I can take. 

I sat at the new LED lights at Washington and Hwy 84 and the sensor did not register my truck other than making a lefthand turn.  DON'T ASK.  So it took four, FOUR cycles to recognize that I needed to go straight.  And I am so ready to buy a gun and threaten the traffic lights at that intersection with death but then realized my husband would probably direct the crew to fix it.

Is there no relief?  Have we come to this?  Is Lake Sam Rayburn my only relief valve in life?  Who the hell can we blame?

Well of course...It's George W. Bush's fault...I'm so glad we've settled that.  Silly me.

The Cool Spot

We had our first 90 degree day yesterday, and although I am grateful that it's not cold weather anymore (because of my aching bones), I found it hard to welcome the excessive heat.  I like to ease into my hot weather months, not have them sneak up and grab me by my sweaty neck.  Hence, my never ending quest for the cool spot in the summer months.

There is nothing more satisfying than flipping over a warm pillow where your hot cheek has been and putting your head on the fresh "cool side"...sleep comes so much easier (even if it's for only another hour or so before you have to flip it again - ick, old age and insomnia). It's like an AHA moment. Ditto with climbing in between the bedsheets of a bed that's been made. I can swish my legs back and forth and relish in the air conditioning.  YES, YOU YOUNG PEOPLE, older age is reduced to the small victories in life.  I crushed both of my ankles at 17 in a car wreck and 38 years later it feels great to swish in bed under clean, cool sheets.  Remember the small victories.

We were at Rayburn this weekend and met a few new people.  We also got the boat out of storage for the first time this year.  We brought it home with us because we have an appointment with Campbell Marine in downtown Shreveport on Monday to get a service and a few repairs. 

When Jim and I go out in the boat at Rayburn (an 18 foot runabout...135 hp as opposed to the 250-300 hp bass boats), we always pick a fairly secluded beach to swim and exercise.  Sorry, he exercises and I float on my floatie...and Norman explores.  I love floating and swimming. And yes, in the heat of the summer, 120 acre Lake Sam Rayburn has WICKED cool spots.  AHA moments that sneak up on you. 

Sam Rayburn is so vast and huge, there are sandy beaches, hard rock cliffs, rock coves with wildlife like ducks, teradoctyls as Jim likes to call them (I think they're raptors myself), alligators, frickin' beavers, deer galore and the occasional fish (we just wave at those fellas).  But I am forever looking for that COOL SPOT to stand, tread or float stationary in.  AHA, I love it. 

My last Cool Spot?  The shower...after the torture of the yard in August.  Only in August.  You have no excuse to take a cold shower unless you have tortured yourself against the back fence with the mower kicking up dust and the poison ivy on Billy Ray Bedsole's barbed wire fence, the f*****g WEEDEATER (sorry but the adjective fits perfectly) kicking up all kinds of weeds at you.  You walk in the house to the bathroom, pull clothes and vines and dust and WHAT THE HELL IS THIS under my bra...an acorn - I DON'T HAVE ANY OAK TREES IN MY YARD!?  I didn't even get close to it but how the hell did the cedar tree frond encroach my shorts?  And you're sweating and you get in a barely warm shower and then slowly, oh so slowly turn the hot water down...AHA...suddenly, it's like your floating on the lake.

I'm sure you can think of dozens of cool spots that thrill you, or maybe you can't.  Then you can be jealous (or wary) of me.  Here's to a full summer of cool spots for you.